on being eminently beddable (and my secret crush on marisa tomei)

FOLLOWING MY POST ON BEING BULLIED for merely being believed to be gay in high school with a nice bit of musing on attractive women seemed appropriate to reaffirm my status as a heterosexual of manly man. So, here I introduce the term ’eminently beddable’ and explain its origins and then very briefly discuss a movie star who I believe fits the description perfectly. Of course, this is article has a PG-33 Rating so it will be tasteful as befits my youthful readers. 1

In 1979, the movie 10 made a full-time star out of Dudley Brooks and a temporary star out of Bo Derek. It was a somewhat silly romantic comedy typical of writer/producer/director Blake Edwards. Wikipedia sums up the plot this way: “It follows a man who in middle age becomes infatuated with a young woman he has never met, leading to a comic chase and an encounter in Mexico.”

The movie 10 kicked off the obnoxious habit of men assigning grades to women based on their looks and ‘hotness.’

Yup, that’s about it. Andrews was her usual glorious self, Moore was excellent as the somewhat confused man, and Bo Derek was there as the object of infatuation. 10 was one of the year’s biggest box office hits. It also kicked off the obnoxious habit of men assigning grades to women—then based on their beauty, currently based on their ‘hotness.’

F*ck me, but I had to listen to guys who couldn’t have been helped by Hitch working overtime assign 6.5s and 8.2s to women who were thankfully oblivious of their presence, let alone their grading them.

It continues: type “rating women 1-10” into Google and you will get more than 10,000,000 possible sites touching on that topic. Rating women with a numeric scale has an appeal to a lot of me, a topic I ain’t about to deal with here. I will say that I thought it stupid then and stupid now.

I also thought it immature then and still do now, although I am a little more forgiving in my dotage.


10_Tomei_Vinny

Marisa in My Cousin Vinny (1992), where attitude was everything and she had all of it. In fact, when I first saw this movie I started thinking maybe I done did the wrong thing by leaving the East Coast for the West because there just ain’t no girls on this coast like that! And she gave new meaning to the words, “I’m positive . . .” Plus she won an Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role!


10_Tomei_Want

Marisa as an emotionally fractured barista in What Women Want (2000) who finally succumbs to the charms of Mel Gibson and has the greatest sex of her life. “Amazing! Amazing! Ohhh! It was like, you were more inside me than anybody. Ever!” And then has to be convinced that the perfect lover is perfectly gay (you have to see the movie).


"Wild Hogs" Marisa Tomei ©Touchstone Pictures. All rights reserved.

Marisa in Wild Hogs (2007) with Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, and bad boy Ray Liotta. Despite this talent, it was a d-u-m-b movie. Despite being a dumb movie, it made Berni and me laugh several times—and laughter is potent medicine for the soul. (Oh, and she appears to have stopped aging about twenty years ago . . .)

My own response in 1979 was to coin a phrase that explained my take on the whole thing: eminently beddable.

Merriam-Webster defines eminently as “to a high degree.” The Free Dictionary defines it as “extremely.”

I think that I do not need to define beddable . . .

While I am more comfortable saying that a description/definition of eminently beddable is nigh on impossible, that would be disappointing to my readers—and readers is what this is all about, heyna?

I’m pickin’ up good vibrations. She’s givin’ me excitations!

So, for me a woman is eminently beddable when her appearance plus her persona plus her ‘vibes’ combine in a manner that it appears to me that she would bring the same joie de vivre to the bedroom that I tried to do back in the good ol’ days when I had hair and teeth and a waist and plenty of you know what and that’s something maybe I better keep to myself . . .

It’s kind of a combination of heat and humor and zest appeal and overall it’s ineffable but I knows it when I sees it and feels it and you should, too! 2

I preferred this as it is totally subjective—just like the beauty or handsomeness of any woman or man depends on the subjective response of the viewer (here, the grader) and what he or she finds attractive. 3

Plus, it avoids assigning grades to women—something that seems that women find universally loathsome. (At least they did thirty years ago.)

Plus it is rather innocuous and yet sounds kinda sexy at the same time!

As I do not want this piece to degenerate into anything that would offend any woman I find eminently beddable, I will just end the whole thing with just one selection: Marisa Tomei. She has been a favorite actress of mine since she stole My Cousin Vinny from Joe Pesci more than twenty years.

She is a fine actress: so far, she has one Best Supporting Actress Oscar (My Cousin Vinny, 1992) and has been nominated by both the Academy and the Golden Globe for her supporting roles in In The Bedroom (2001) and The Wrestler (2008).

She tends to bring a sultry sensuality combined with what I always interpret as a touch of irony to her roles—although it can just as easily be interpreted as blatant and casual sexuality. Either way, it works for me as eminent beddablity.

Plus she got zest appeal!

By choosing Ms Tomei it allows me to transition gracefully into another post on a dumb movie we just saw graced with her glorious presence and talent—both wasted in this movie but I will deal with that tomorrow when I address the Wild Hogs: Doug, Woody, Bobby, and Dudley . . .


10_Tomei_Academy

HEADER IMAGE: This candid photo supposedly captures Ms Tomei at the Academy Awards but the site where I found failed to mention which year, although it did note that apparently she is not wearing any make-up and looks absolutely glorious.

Of course.

PS: Guys, being eminently beddable yourself will get you all the attention you can handle. Step 1 is love thyself. Step 2 is love women as women. Get those two right and everything else will fall into place. And it helps if you learn how to make pleasing yourself and pleasing her synonymous  . . .



FOOTNOTES:

1   I can’t remember the first time I heard the redundantly ridiculous term manly man but it was a long time ago. I just typed it into Google and found this great, all-encompassing entry: “A manly man is comfortable in his own skin, but doesn’t use skin care products. Someone who drives a vehicle with muscle, but knows where to draw the line (you won’t need a ladder to get in). A man who loves women—but not all at the same time. Protective but not overly aggressive. Prefers big dogs over cats. Masculine sans machismo. Heterosexual, period. Soap? Irish Spring, of course.” Funny and some of these points actually apply to me!

2   “I love the colorful clothes she wears, and the way the sunlight plays upon her hair. I hear the sound of a gentle word, on the wind that lifts her perfume through the air. I’m picking up good vibrations. She’s giving me excitiations.” Thank you, Brian and Mike for perfect lyrics to a perfect song.

3   I am not denying ‘objective’ standards of agreed upon beauty based on culture and time; just dealing with subjectivity in this essay.


Comments, suggestions, additions, and arguments welcome!