THIS IS NOT THE SHORTEST HISTORY OF WORLD WAR II ever written. That might read “Germany invaded Czechoslovakia and Poland in 1939; Germany invaded the USSR and Japan attacked the United States in 1941; both lost.” But that’s too brief, nein? This one below is closer to an outline of an actual history and was written by someone whose tongue was planted firmly in cheek. But as silly as it seems at first glance, it is accurate . . .
• Germany invades Czechoslovakia.
• Britain and France tell them to stop that shit.
• Germany invades Poland.
• Russia also invades Poland from the other side. 1
• Britain and France declare war against Germany. 2
• Italy, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Romania all join the German side. 3
• Axis forces go through Europe like vindaloo through a colostomy. 4
• Nazis exterminate Jews, gays, gypsies, socialists, and the disabled. 5
• The UK holds out.
• Russia and the US don’t do shit.
• Germany, Japan, and Italy formally become allies and are known as the Axis. 6
• Entire divisions of Danish, Belgian, Dutch, Norwegian, French, and Serbian volunteers join the Axis armies and the SS. 7
• Axis forces invade Russia. Suddenly the Russians don’t think it’s funny anymore.
• Japan joins the Axis and bombs Pearl Harbor.
• Suddenly the US doesn’t think it’s funny anymore.
• The US tools up the world, because it’s got more factories than everybody else put together and they’re all out of bomber range.
• Germany quickly runs out of steam in Russia, because Russia is enormous and bloody freezing.
• The Allies invade on D-Day with five landings: two British, two American, and one Canadian. 8
• Germany surrenders.
• Hitler ends up smoldering in a ditch. Russians find the body and confirm he only had one ball. Seriously. 9
• The US decides invading stuff is a pain-in-the-behind and invents the atom bomb instead; drops two buckets of sunshine on Japan.
• Japan surrenders.
The USSR steals half of Europe right in front of everybody.
The UK spent almost every penny it had and waits twenty years for the Beatles and the Rolling Stones to revive the economy.
The US starts telling everybody how it was all about them and almost seventy years later is still doing so . . .
As I stated, I did not write this; somebody else did. I originally posted this as “The Shortest History of World War II Ever Written” on November 3, 2013. As I was a WordPress newbie then, I did a lot of things incorrectly. For this update, I corrected several technical errors, rewrote some of the text, and added images and the faux footnotes. 10
Finally, variations on this history abound on the Internet. If you find one funnier, please post it in the Comments section below.
1 Everybody forgets this.
2 This is actually the official kick-off, but it’s never taught in schools.
3 Everybody forgets the last three.
4 Vindaloo? Look it up.
5 Everybody forgets the last four.
6 Hence the “Axis of Evil” and all the other dumb jokes since the Bush administration.
7 Everybody forgets this and to listen to them now, they were all in the f*cking resistance—which must have been massive!
8 Everybody forgets the Canadians.
9 Apparently, a ditty sung by generations of post-war British children mocking Hitler for only having only “one ball” is accurate: the Nazi leader’s long-lost medical records seem to confirm the that he only had one testicle.
10 The first version of this that I read was sent to me by Gordy Gildner, once of the sunny funny state of Washington but now comfortably ensconced in Prague.