I FEEL LIKE THE OLD MAN in Moonstruck. You know, at the end where everything is happening crazily around him and he puts his head in his hands on the kitchen table, utterly confused. This struck home for me when I opened an email from a friend with a link to an article published earlier today in The Washington Post. It was queerly titled “Hillary Clinton lost. Bernie Sanders could have won.”
My first thought was, “No! That’s not possible. I’m confused!”
Then I realized the truth, even though it sounds like something out of a Sheldon Cooper fantasy: I have slipped into an alternative reality—a parallel universe!
Got that? I am in a phildickian reality and you’re not! Well, you’re probably not.
In my alternative reality, Clinton won the election by 3,000,000 votes. But in everybody else’s universe, Trump won! See why I’m confused?
My alternative reality seems to differ in only one respect, but it differs with so many people—in conversation with friends, family, and neighbors.
And websites and blogs.
And Facebook and news organizations—and they’re supposed to know, right?—and every other form of mass communication we have.
See, in this lonely parallel universe of mine, Hillary Clinton won the election on November 8, 2016!
But it gets weirder: here we have this antiquated system called the Electoral College that our forefathers set up to ensure that undereducated farmers weren’t duped into electing some city-slicker of a demagogue.
This system, which gives inordinate power to sparsely populated states, is due to elect Mr Trump on the first Monday after the second Wednesday in December in a separate, second election where you need to know a secret handshake to vote.
I told you it was weird.
(My stand on the Electoral College is that it’s a good idea but it’s never really been used effectively. The Elector’s votes are almost always redundant and it gives most of us citizens the belief that our votes don’t really count. Plus the potential exists that it could be used by some “elites” to cheat the real winner out of a victory justly won by the popular vote. Ask any Trump supporter where he or she stood on the Electoral College last week and you’ll find that they agreed with me 100%, even in your reality.)
How phildickian can you get?
In my alternative universe, I can use my crazy computer to contact Google and it tells me that as of 1:00 PM on Thursday on November 10, 2016, the vote tallies from the election stand as such:
Like I said, in my parallel universe, Clinton won the election by 300,000 votes (and growing).
So, of course, Trump lost.
But, apparently, in everybody else’s reality, Trump won and Clinton lost.
See why I’m confused?In my alternative reality, Clinton won the election by 300,000 votes. See why I'm confused? Click To Tweet
Could it be?
Maybe I’m not in an alternative reality. Could it be that maybe—finally, after waiting all these years—this is an acid flashback . . .