Hillary concession 1

I live in an alternative reality where clinton won

I FEEL LIKE THE OLD MAN in Moon­struck. You know, at the end where every­thing is hap­pening crazily around him and he puts his head in his hands on the kitchen table, ut­terly con­fused. This struck home for me when I opened an email from a friend with a link to an ar­ticle pub­lished ear­lier today in The Wash­ington Post. It was queerly ti­tled “Hillary Clinton lost. Bernie Sanders could have won.”

My first thought was, “No! That’s not pos­sible. I’m con­fused!”

Then I re­al­ized the truth, even though it sounds like some­thing out of a Sheldon Cooper fan­tasy: I have slipped into an al­ter­na­tive reality—a par­allel uni­verse!

Got that? I am in a phildickian re­ality and you’re not! Well, you’re prob­ably not.

 

In my al­ter­na­tive re­ality, Clinton won the elec­tion by 3,000,000 votes. But in every­body else’s uni­verse, Trump won! See why I’m con­fused?

 

My al­ter­na­tive re­ality seems to differ in only one re­spect, but it dif­fers with so many people—in con­ver­sa­tion with friends, family, and neigh­bors.

And web­sites and blogs.

And Face­book and news organizations—and they’re sup­posed to know, right?—and every other form of mass com­mu­ni­ca­tion we have.

See, in this lonely par­allel uni­verse of mine, Hillary Clinton won the elec­tion on No­vember 8, 2016!

But it gets weirder: here we have this an­ti­quated system called the Elec­toral Col­lege that our fore­fa­thers set up to en­sure that un­der­e­d­u­cated farmers weren’t duped into electing some city-slicker of a dem­a­gogue.

This system, which gives in­or­di­nate power to sparsely pop­u­lated states, is due to elect Mr Trump on the first Monday after the second Wednesday in De­cember in a sep­a­rate, second elec­tion where you need to know a se­cret hand­shake to vote.

I told you it was weird.

(My stand on the Elec­toral Col­lege is that it’s a good idea but it’s never re­ally been used ef­fec­tively. The Elec­tor’s votes are al­most al­ways re­dun­dant and it gives most of us cit­i­zens the be­lief that our votes don’t re­ally count. Plus the po­ten­tial ex­ists that it could be used by some “elites” to cheat the real winner out of a vic­tory justly won by the pop­ular vote. Ask any Trump sup­porter where he or she stood on the Elec­toral Col­lege last week and you’ll find that they agreed with me 100%, even in your re­ality.)

 

hillary_concession

How phildickian can you get?

In my al­ter­na­tive uni­verse, I can use my crazy com­puter to con­tact Google and it tells me that as of 1:00 PM on Thursday on No­vember 10, 2016, the vote tal­lies from the elec­tion stand as such:

Clinton: 60,122,876

Trump:  59,821,874

Like I said, in my par­allel uni­verse, Clinton won the elec­tion by 300,000 votes (and growing).

So, of course, Trump lost.

But, ap­par­ently, in every­body else’s re­ality, Trump won and Clinton lost.

See why I’m con­fused?

In my al­ter­na­tive re­ality, Clinton won the elec­tion by 300,000 votes. See why I’m con­fused? Click To Tweet
Moon­struck - I’m Confused.wmv

Could it be?

Maybe I’m not in an al­ter­na­tive re­ality. Could it be that maybe—finally, after waiting all these years—this is an acid flash­back …

 

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Well, that didn’t happen… Now, it’s Sat­urday!