people love farts and can’t seem to get enough of them

Es­ti­mated reading time is 3 min­utes.

PEOPLE LOVE FARTS! Not, you know, en­during them. But they love hearing them and hearing about them: fart jokes will prob­ably be with us until Sheldon Coop­er’s dreams of our brains being moved to non-tissue bodies are re­al­ized. If someone turns their nose up at a fart joke, you’re prob­ably wasting your time in any kind of con­ver­sa­tion with that person. God only knows what would happen if you told them a poopie joke!

And ap­par­ently, people love reading about farts: My ar­ticle “Those Leg­endary Oat­meal Farts Are Real!” sur­passed my piece on my beau­tiful cousin, su­per­model Colleen Corby, as the most widely read post on this blog. I was sur­prised that Colleen was so pop­ular but even more sur­prised when an ar­ticle on di­etary fiber and di­ges­tion proved more popular.

If you ever turn to the in­ternet for fart jokes, good luck. There is a wide array of op­tions, in­cluding adult fart jokes, kids fart jokes, lit­erary fart jokes, so­phis­ti­cated fart jokes, and, of course, Alexa fart jokes. Frankly, most of them stink.

Or, maybe I should say they don’t stink.


RobertBurns portrait

This half-length por­trait of Robert Burns by Alexander Nas­myth has be­come the most well-known and widely re­pro­duced image of the fa­mous Scot­tish poet. He is shown fash­ion­ably dressed against a land­scape, evoking his rural back­ground in Al­loway, Ayr­shire, Scot­land. (Wikipedia)

Where ere ye be

When my brothers, sister, and I were young, my ma­ternal grand­mother moved in with us. Pos­sessing the bowels of an an­cient, her passing of gas was loud and fre­quent. This stoop in op­po­si­tion to our par­ents, who rarely if ever farted in the pres­ence of their children.

When we laughed at Gram­ma’s farts, she re­sponded by telling us, “Where ere you be, let your wind flow free.” For years, we thought this was a kernel of family wisdom. It wasn’t until the in­ternet made re­search so easy that I looked it up.

Lo and be­hold, it can be traced to one Robert “Rabbie” Burns, also known as the Bard of Ayr­shire and the Ploughman Poet. Among his many works is this ad­mo­ni­tion: “Where ere ye be, let yer wind gang free.” I could sup­pose that this in­di­cates that Gramma read poetry.

As I needed to flesh this ar­ticle out a bit, I re­mem­bered a joke that I had saved on my com­puter years ago.

Are you ready?


CanadianTrain JasperAlberta1500

The photo at the top of this page is of the Cana­dian near Jasper, Al­berta, with the gor­geous Rocky Moun­tains in the background.

The blanket

A man and a woman who had never met be­fore found them­selves as­signed to the same sleeping room on a lengthy train trip. Ini­tially, they were both un­easy about sharing a room and the breaches of pri­vacy that it would re­quire. But they were both very tired and they were, after all, both adults.

Gen­tle­manly, he of­fered her choice of berths. She chose the lower, so he climbed into the upper one.

They snug­gled into their covers and quickly fell asleep.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and to ask the woman for a favor. As he looked at her sleeping face, he re­al­ized how lovely she was. He gently woke her and said, “Pardon me.  I’m sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m aw­fully cold.”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, thinking. “I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pre­tend that we’re married.” 

He smiled. “That’s a great idea!”

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.” 

After a mo­ment of si­lence, he said, “As you wish.” He then turned over, farted loudly, and went back to sleep.


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