the shortest history of world war II ever written (with footnotes)

Es­ti­mated reading time is 3 min­utes.

THIS IS NOT the shortest his­tory of World War II ever written. That might read “Ger­many in­vaded Czecho­slo­vakia and Poland in 1939. Ger­many in­vaded the USSR and Japan at­tacked the United States in 1941. Ger­many and Japan lost.”

But that’s too brief, nein?

This one below is closer to an out­line of an ac­tual his­tory and was written by someone whose tongue was planted firmly in cheek. But as silly as it seems at first glance, it is accurate . . .


•  Ger­many in­vades Czechoslovakia.

•  Britain and France tell them to stop that shit.

•  Ger­many in­vades Poland.

•  Russia also in­vades Poland from the other side. 1

•  Britain and France de­clare war against Ger­many. 2

•  Italy, Bul­garia, Hun­gary, and Ro­mania all join the German side. 3


•  Axis forces go through Eu­rope like vin­daloo through a colostomy. 4

•  Nazis ex­ter­mi­nate Jews, gays, gyp­sies, so­cial­ists, and the dis­abled. 5

•  The UK holds out.

•  Russia and the US don’t do shit.

•  Ger­many, Japan, and Italy for­mally be­come al­lies and are known as the Axis. 6

•  En­tire di­vi­sions of Danish, Bel­gian, Dutch, Nor­we­gian, French, and Ser­bian vol­un­teers join the Axis armies and the SS. 7


•  Axis forces in­vade Russia. Sud­denly the Rus­sians don’t think it’s funny anymore.

•  Japan joins the Axis and bombs Pearl Harbor.

•  Sud­denly the US doesn’t think it’s funny anymore.



•  The US tools up the world, be­cause it’s got more fac­to­ries than every­body else put to­gether and they’re all out of bomber range.


•  Ger­many quickly runs out of steam in Russia, be­cause Russia is enor­mous and bloody freezing.


The Al­lies in­vade on D-Day with five land­ings: two British, two Amer­ican, and one Cana­dian. 8


•  Ger­many surrenders.

•  Hitler ends up smol­dering in a ditch. Rus­sians find the body and con­firm he only had one ball. Se­ri­ously. 9

The US de­cides in­vading stuff is a pain-in-the-behind and in­vents the atom bomb in­stead; drops two buckets of sun­shine on Japan.

•  Japan surrenders.


The USSR steals half of Eu­rope right in front of everybody.

The UK spent al­most every penny it had and waits twenty years for the Bea­tles and the Rolling Stones to re­vive the economy.

The US starts telling every­body how it was all about them and al­most sev­enty years later is still doing so . . .

WWII History2 header

As I stated, I did not write this; some­body else did. I orig­i­nally posted this as “The Shortest His­tory of World War II Ever Written” on No­vember 3, 2013. As I was a Word­Press newbie then, I did a lot of things in­cor­rectly. For this up­date, I cor­rected sev­eral tech­nical er­rors, rewrote some of the text, and added im­ages and the faux foot­notes. 10

Fi­nally, vari­a­tions on this his­tory abound on the In­ternet. If you find one fun­nier, please post it in the Com­ments sec­tion below.



1   Every­body for­gets this.

2   This is ac­tu­ally the of­fi­cial kick-off, but it’s never taught in schools.

3   Every­body for­gets the last three.

4   Vin­daloo? Look it up.

5   Every­body for­gets the last four.

6   Hence the “Axis of Evil” and all the other dumb jokes since the Bush administration.

7   Every­body for­gets this and to listen to them now, they were all in the f*cking resistance—which must have been massive!

8   Every­body for­gets the Canadians.

9   Ap­par­ently, a ditty sung by gen­er­a­tions of post-war British chil­dren mocking Hitler for only having only “one ball” is ac­cu­rate: the Nazi leader’s long-lost med­ical records seem to con­firm the that he only had one testicle.

10   The first ver­sion of this that I read was sent to me by Gordy Gildner, once of the sunny funny state of Wash­ington but now com­fort­ably en­sconced in Prague. 


All comments held for moderation

Notify of
Rate this article:
Please rate this article with your comment.
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments