“my trojan horse virus recorded your solitary sex”

Es­ti­mated reading time is 3 minutes.

EMAIL CLAIMS I HAVE A TROJAN HORSE VIRUS! I re­ceived an email claiming to have breached the se­cu­rity of my com­puter and recorded me while, ahem, in­ter­acting with on­line porn. The sender at­tempted to ex­tort money from me: “I see what you’re doing. If you don’t pay, I’ll send this dirt to all your contacts!”

Who would be threat­ening poor widdle me? Well, some joker claiming to be a hell of a hacker! 

“I see what you’re doing. If you don’t pay, I’ll send this dirt to all your contacts!”

Below is the text of the email in its en­tirety (ex­cept for the sender’s ad­dress, which could be some kind of gateway to an ac­tual Trojan horse virus). 


 Trojan horse virus: image of desktop computer with Porn Hub logo.

Trojan Horse virus

While I will keep his handle a se­cret (I refer to him as Mr. X below), I left the typos in­tact for your entertainment,


This is my last warning!

I write you since I at­tached a tro jan on the web site with porno which you have viewed. My troj an cap­tured all your pri­vate data and switched on your camera which recorded the act of your soli­tary sex. Just after that the trojan saved your con­tact list. I will erase the com­pro­mising video records and info if you transfer $730 in bit coin equivalent.

At­ten­tion please! I have spec­i­fied my wallet with spaces, please make sure that you key-in my ad­dress without spaces to be sure that your coins suc­cess­fully reach my wallet!

I give you 24 hours after you open my mes­sage for making the pay­ment. As soon as you read the mes­sage I’ll see it right away. It is not nec­es­sary to tell me that you have sent money to me. This ad­dress is con­nected to you, my system will erased au­to­mat­i­cally after transfer confirmation.

If you need 48h just open the cal­cu­lator and press plus button 3 times.

If you don’t pay, I’ll send this dirt to all your con­tacts. Let me re­mind you - I see what you’re doing. If you try to de­cieve me, I’ll know it im­me­di­ately. Bye. Your life can be ruined.”

Need­less to say, Mr. X in­cluded his ad­dress for payment.


Trojan horse virus: image of mobile phone with Porn Hub logo.

My trojan horse virus

Of course, I im­me­di­ately and thought­fully replied via the sender’s re­turn email address:


Hi! Thanks for the timely offer! It was a joy to see among all the re­quests I have been re­ceiving for do­na­tions or alerting me to su­perduper sav­ings on Black Friday, Black Monday, etc.

As for your offer, well, as a for­merly reasonably-endowed and not-too-bad-in-the-sack sep­tu­a­ge­narian, my chrono­logic de­cline has in­cluded the usual shrinkage, in­cluding the loss of my “six-foot” status ver­ti­cally and “six-inch” status hor­i­zon­tally. My man, my man—losing those sta­tuses has been a bummer, let me tell you!

Of course, not just phys­ical things have shrunk—there’s my li­bido, which just doesn’t have the gump­tion it once had. So, if you don’t know all of this, I must as­sume you are a younger man or a woman.

So, like, if you have video of me gettin’ it up over one of my fa­vorite videos on PornHub—share it, man!

Send it to everyone I know! It will do won­ders for my once glo­rious rep­u­ta­tion as a sixty-minute-man.

Best and keep on keepin’ on,


I am not ex­pecting to hear back from Mr. X. But, if you re­ceive an email from someone you don’t know with a German email ad­dress that ends with “bechmann.de,” you might want to think twice about viewing what­ever it contains . . .


Image of Trojan Horse overlaid with electronic grid.

FEA­TURED IMAGE: The image at the top of this page was cropped from this larger image. I found it acom­pa­nying the ar­ticle “What Are Trojan Viruses” on the Avatara site. 



2 thoughts on ““my trojan horse virus recorded your solitary sex””

  1. Hey, Neal

    Sorry to hear that you have dick­heads trying to scam you. I just want to let you know that I thought your price guides were the only ones I could give any credit to. 

    I hate that you don’t do it any­more. You were very thor­ough and paid at­ten­tion to the de­tails and that is a huge thing in pricing vinyl. 

    Just wanted to let you know that you are missed. All the best to you in the future.

    • I al­ways hated the term “dick­head” be­cause, while mine has made a mis­take or ten through the years, for the most it has been an in­tel­li­gent and dis­cerning member that has kept me from more than a few en­tan­gle­ments that my eyes would have de­light­edly led me into.

      That said, there sure are a lot of dick­heads in the world and it seems like they all just love making their pres­ence known on the in­ternet. But, as a “bully target” for most of my for­ma­tive years, there is little they can do that causes me more than a mo­ment’s ir­ri­tability. If you are en­ter­tained by in­tel­li­gent irony, you should check out some of the con­ver­sa­tions I have on Face­book with their res­i­dent dickheads.

      Thanks for the kind words about my books. I should get off my aging be­hind and do an­other few be­fore someone who looks like Bengt Ekerot comes knock knock knockin’ on my bed­room door.

      Bestest in 2024!


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